10 Years Since I Sang You Out

The call came about 2:30am in the morning. You had a heart attack and was headed to the hospital. I was to meet you there. There was a part of me that knew you were leaving. The part of me that knew your heartbeat on this planet better than I knew my own. This knowing part of me drove the long way to the hospital as if I could stretch time. This knowing part of me sang all the way there. A former coaching client would later contact me with a message from the ancestor about how proud they were of me because I was the only one who could sing you out.

And just like that you were gone and this wave washed over my life and transformed who I was. First, I didn’t know if I could ride the wave or if I would drown in it. I think I was drowning until I realized that I was staying connected to you through the grief because I was afraid if I let go of it there would be nothing left. But then I started to ride it when I decided that I could stay connect to you through your humor, your craftiness, your brilliance, and your generosity all which live in me.

The thing about your mother dying is that our mothers are our heartbeat to the world. When you died I had to find a new heartbeat. Who was I without my mother? I was born when you were 15 years old. We were so enmeshed, who I was was defined largely in relation to who you were. Who was I if I wasn’t my mother’s daughter? For the first time in my life I had the space and freedom to find out.

Living with this real life experience that tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us led me to leave my marriage. I wanted to know what it really felt like to love myself unconditionally, to love another unconditionally, and to discover who could love me in that way. This meant a deeper level of healing my relationship to the masculine in my life. I am happy to say that I have wonderful healing relationships with men who love me and who I love. I have male friends who check on me regularly, I have community papa’s who father me in ways that I have needed for a long time, and I have someone who I am learning to love unconditionally and who is learning to love me.

I am also learning how to love my children more. How to give more of me to them while I am able. There was a part of myself that I withheld even from them because I believed that it wasn’t safe to love. I decided to ask, what if it is?

After my divorce I was gifted the name Wind Warrior and I have been learning everyday how to stand in those shoes. My work has taken me across the U.S. and to Mexico, Canada, India, Brazil and the Bahamas.

I am stronger, braver, more curious, more generous, more forgiving, and more loving because of you in my life. I know now that you did what you could and I can honestly say today that it was enough.

Sending you love and carrying you with me,

Forever your daughter, Quanita