I was asked earlier last year what it would mean to prioritize my woman’s heart. This question has been working me in all kinds of ways but most recently it has been asking questions of me in the area of my life around friendships, mothering, and romantic relationship.
It has been pushing and stretching me in all kinds of painful and good ways. I have had to face all the ways that I have taught the people closest to me that they didn’t have to consider me because I wasn’t considering me in some very specific ways.
I want to focus this post on me and romantic relationship. I don’t often speak about this in public mainly because I have some unfinished healing connected to my divorce and my survivor history. There is still some wound in me around worthiness to have deep intimate romantic love in my life even as I have let it in close enough to hear it knocking at the door. The door has provided some safety as I have healed some of these parts of myself. But what happens when someone swings the door wide open? When you can’t shut it back? When the only choice is to walk away or to walk through?
In some ways all the healing I have done has increased the risk. It has increased the level of vulnerability that I am able to be with myself and with another. It’s often hard to remember that in relationships the risk is equal to the possibility. This may be multiplied in romantic relationships because it asks us to give ourselves in so many ways to another. What does it mean to offer my heart to another and risk it being broken when I have experienced heartbreak before? What does it mean if I’m not willing to risk it?
What in me still holds love as a choice and not a gift from the divine?