This weekend I watched The Lord Of the Rings again. I have had the image of Gandalf in the scene where he says, “Thou shall not pass!” traveling with me, teaching me for the past month or so. It is teaching me the difference between fighting and standing. In the movie this scene marks the transformation of Gandalf the Grey to Gandalf the White. This transformation marks the movement into Gandalf claiming more of his power. I wonder what personal power this journey has for me.
I carry strong warrior archetype in me and there is a part of me that loves the fight. I love the sharping of the sword that comes with an honorable battle and I have also been taught that when giants pick on little people they are just bullies. One of the things that I believe to be true is that a warriors main job is not to fight. They are most successful when they can resolve what is theirs to resolve without fighting.
Here are some other things about the warrior archetype:
Warriors understand that there is a cost to the journey. You can’t get something new without giving up something.
Warriors have a deep love and respect for the person on the other side. They understand that to person on the other side cares about their cause just as much as they care about theirs.
Warriors are willing to go into the mud and the dirt with you. They are willing to be in the hard, painful places.
Warriors go into war mournfully.
This balance between when/if to fight and when/if to stand has been a tricky one for me as an incest survivor because the last thing I want to be is perpetrator. The last thing I want to be is bully.
But Gandalf is teaching me what it feels like in my body to just stand and hold a boundary and not to fight. We often confuse walls with boundaries. Walls block others out and you in, it seperates. Boudaries are permiable, they can be crossed when certain conditions are met. Boundries keep us in relationship with each other even if we are no longer in physical contact.
Someone asked me the other day, “But, don’t sometimes you have to fight?” I said, let’s be clear I always carry my sword but I don’t know. I am beginning to wonder if I truly trust that everything is in divine order is there ever really a need to fight? This makes me think of a quote in the movie The Great Debaters”
“Who is the JUDGE? The judge is God. Why is he GOD? Because he decides
who wins or loses, not my opponent.
Who is your OPPONENT?
He does not exist.
Why doesn't he EXIST? Because he is a
mere dissenting voice of the TRUTH that I speak.”
So, for now I will stand. I’m not at a place where I will lay down my sword yet. But who knows, I might get there someday.
Quanita
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